Try this tariff theory of Ted’s on for size

By Ted Blankenship

President Trump says his tariffs will punish the Chinese without hurting Americans. 

The Chinese-naturally-enacted retaliatory tariffs on American agricultural products, cars and industrial goods. Then they began talking about buying airplanes from the Europeans instead of the United States. 

These are actions you would expect from China. But I think they have come up with even more sinister plans, and our government is doing nothing about it. 

This occurred to me when I was putting on my new athletic shoes. I bought what I thought were size nines, a half-size larger than my normal 8½ Ds because I wear heavier socks with athletic shoes. 

I noticed that my new shoes are actually tighter than my 8½ Ds. The “D” denotes width. In my case, pretty wide. I looked inside to see whether I had bought the wrong size, and learned that the shoes are size 26 and made in CM. 

I looked it up on the internet and discovered that CM is China. If I am really wearing a size 26, I should be able to put both feet in one shoe.

Ahah! It came to me like in a clap of thunder. China is going to squeeze our American toes until we not only remove the tariffs but actually apply them to ourselves as we rub our tortured toes. 

I can see where this is going. The Chinese will sell cheap, tariff-free dresses for American women in size 3½, which will actually be size 42, making American women very unattractive. The ties they make for U.S. export will be at least five feet long and all of them orange. The idea will catch on with other Chinese manufacturers who will scramble the sizes on garments they sell to Americans tariff-free and we will all look like weird freaks. 

Meanwhile, the Chinese shoes we wear will keep getting smaller until they will be too snug even for American babies. The sizes will be meaningless, random numbers. 

It is a nefarious scheme and must be met with carefully planned retaliation. 

I suggest that if the President has put a tariff on cowboy boots, that he remove it and cut the price for sale to the Chinese. But before we put all this footwear into the shipping containers, we should add two inches to the heel height and saw these heals three-fourths of the way through. 

Unsuspecting Chinese people will fall on their noses in alarming numbers, and hopefully, we will have avoided an economic war which neither country is likely to win. 

I realize this is a drastic move, but the stakes are high and we must do what is necessary for economic survival. As a patriotic gesture, I offer these ideas to the government free of charge. 

Contact Ted Blankenship at tblankenship@cox.net

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