These days parents are deciding what books their kids can read in school. And, each parent has a different idea which books are dangerous for juvenile brains. So what about nursery rhymes that have been around for a long time and may have affected a lot of little brains?
If we modify these nursery rhymes, hopefully they won’t disturb a single youngster’s brain. Let’s start with the three mice that unfortunately can’t see and yet they chased the lady of the house without provocation.
Here’s the original: “Three blind mice, three blind mice. See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer’s wife. She cut off their tails with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?” That has to be a rodent hate crime of some kind.
Here’s the revised version: “Three blind mice, three blind mice See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer’s wife. She gave each one a little white cane and a book on braille. Wasn’t she nice?”
Or how about this one?
“The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain, and the itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the spout again.”
This is what it should say: “The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout. Down came the rain and drowned the spider. That’s okay because it was a black widow.”
Here’s another: “Little Jack Horner sat in the corner, eating a Christmas pie. He put in his thumb, and pulled out a plum and said, ‘What a good boy am I!”
The revision: Little Jack Horner sat in the corner, eating a Christmas pie. He put in his thumb and said, “Ouch, this thing’s HOT. And I wonder why I have to sit in the corner.”
This one’s been around a long time: “This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef. This little piggy had none. And this little piggy went wee, wee, wee, all the way home.”
This might be more appropriate: “This little piggy was in the market and went broke because of inflation. This little piggy stayed home and wore a mask when he went out. This little piggy had leftovers and they were gross. This little piggy was glad he didn’t have to eat leftovers. And this little piggy went ‘We, We, We, all the way home. He was an egomaniac.”
The Old MacDonald had a farm nursery rhyme E-I-E-I-O ought to be changed to Old MacDonald had a farm A-E-I-O-U and sometimes Y and W.
The kids would learn a little English grammar and their brains would not be damaged at all.
Contact Ted at firstname.lastname@example.org.