Because my wife is recovering from a medical problem, and I’m not seeing as well as I once did, neither of us drives. So our car stays in the garage while we bum rides to the grocery store from our “kids” (who are all in their 60s).
That leaves us with a lot of time to do things we may or may not want to do at home. For example, we read the daily newspaper front to back.
One of the things I regularly read is Car Talk, a syndicated column written by a Boston auto mechanic with an economics degree from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. There aren’t many of those left.
Anyway, the column’s title got me to thinking — always dangerous. What would a car say if it could talk?
Since my car is stuck in the garage and doesn’t have much to do, I thought I’d ask it a few questions:
ME: “What’s your name?”
ME: “That’s a strange name for a car.”
CAR: “Not if your last name is Lincoln. Yuk, yuk, yuk.”
ME: “What do you do for amusement while you are alone in a dark garage?”
CAR: “Well, until they all went flat, I twiddled my tires.”
ME: “I didn’t know tires could be twiddled.”
CAR: “I have to twiddle something. Obviously, I don’t have thumbs. To make it more interesting, occasionally I twiddle a front tire along with the little spare.”
ME : “What upsets you the most when you are being driven?”
CAR: “Potholes! Why can’t they put ’em in the sidewalks? Then maybe someone would do something about them.”
I didn’t have an answer to that one.
Just so you know, that exchange didn’t really happen, but I feel sorry for the car anyway. It’s sitting there with a full tank of gas and nowhere to go.
The only advantage to a driverless car in the garage is that insurance can be a little cheaper. Taxes and registration, on the hand, continue even if the car doesn’t go anywhere.
Even so, when the county’s letter came informing us that the car needed new tags, we paid for them.
I decided that if a burglar broke into the garage and stole the car, he’d at least be driving a legally registered automobile. He wouldn’t get very far, though, because the tires are all nearly flat.
Meanwhile, I’m going to see if my car will teach me how to twiddle. I’m sure it would beat working jigsaw puzzles and talks with my lawn mower.
Contact Ted at firstname.lastname@example.org.